is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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