bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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