There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
