I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
