weddingsv make me drug and hornr
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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