Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
