i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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