then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
