Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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