Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
