Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
