my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
