I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
