Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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