Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
