I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
