just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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