My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
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