She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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