Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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