I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
