I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
