Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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