i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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