it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
