no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize