mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When are your genitals available?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
