i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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