the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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