Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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