The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
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I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
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Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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