Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
