Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
