sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
