So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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