NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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