who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
