Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
