I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
