When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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