oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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