before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
