Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
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At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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