I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
