I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Boobs speak an international language.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
