i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
