Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
