Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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