Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
