Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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