My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
