accomplished twins. life is a go
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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