dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
