Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
