everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
