can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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