what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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